Scientists Invent Pill That Makes You Speak Only In Exclamations, Currently Testing On Politicians

Scientists at the Institute of Questionable Research have successfully developed a pill that forces anyone who takes it to speak exclusively in exclamations. The 'Exclamation! Pill!' works by altering neural pathways associated with volume control and enthusiasm. Early trials on politicians have shown remarkable results, with test subjects unable to complete a single sentence without raising their voice and using excessive punctuation. One senator who took the pill said, 'This is the best day of my life!' before spending 47 minutes yelling about how 'amazing everything is!' The pill is currently in Phase 3 trials and has shown side effects including 'permanent confusion about indoor voice etiquette' and 'an inexplicable urge to cheer at everything.' The FDA is reviewing whether to classify the pill as a 'miracle cure' or 'a public health emergency.'