New Sports League Bans Athletes Who Stretch Before Games, Calls It 'Unnecessarily Flexible'

The newly formed Global Athletic Oversight Committee has implemented a groundbreaking rule: any athlete caught stretching before a game will be immediately banned from competition for 'excessive flexibility.' The ruling, which was passed in a 47-3 vote after a 6-hour debate about whether yoga is a sport, classifies touching your toes, rolling your shoulders, or 'looking like you're preparing your body for physical activity' as 'conduct detrimental to the integrity of sports.' Violators will face suspension and mandatory attendance at 'Standing Still And Looking Tough' classes. The committee's spokesperson said, 'Athletes should look like they're ready to play the moment they step on the field. Stretching suggests they're not naturally ready, which is concerning.' Critics have pointed out that this rule eliminates most professional sports, but committee members insist 'that's why we call them athletes, not stretchers.'