Esports League Discovers All Players Are Actually The Same Person Using 47 Different Accounts

In a scandal that has rocked the esports world, investigators have discovered that the top 47 ranked players in the Global Gaming League are all controlled by the same person: 67-year-old grandmother Dorothy Willams, who lives in Nebraska and learned to play video games to 'stop being bored after retirement.' Dorothy, who goes by usernames like 'ProGamer1337,' 'xX_Cookie_Master_Xx,' and 'GrandmaGotGame,' has been controlling multiple accounts simultaneously for 8 years. She reportedly plays 18 hours a day using a custom-built setup with 6 monitors and 'a very firm understanding of button combinations.' When asked about her secret to success, Dorothy said, 'Young people don't have patience. I'm patient. Also, I have nothing else to do.' The esports league is considering whether to ban her, celebrate her, or hire her as a coach for $47 million.